Blink

It’s been 10 years……………….. 10 years since it happened, 10 years since I got a good nights sleep, 10 years of nightmares, 10 years of guilt, 10 years of hatred. 10 Stupid Years.

I’ve talked about my Heartache and how it broke me, now let me talk about my Lifelessness and how it changed my life.

10 years ago on Saint Patrick’s Day something happened….. Something that flipped my world upside down…. Something that made me really think about what would happen if that one event didn’t happen. Would I be the same person? Would I be in church? Would I be a leader? Would I be on this earth? Would I be able to move? Talk? Read? Write? Sing?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010, St. Patty’s Day.

I remember it clear as day……….. I went to class walked the halls, talked to friends, talked to teachers. It was a normal day in my mind. What I didn’t know was that this specific day would change my whole perspective on things, this specific day made my emotions change completely and this day is the day I died a little on the inside. Life for me was never the same. Even now, it’s difficult to dig through memories I’ve suppressed because I don’t want to deal with it. BUT, as I heard someone speak about trama and talking about it will help you push forward………..

Let’s talk about it……..

It was last period and all I wanted was to go home. I remember complaining about the silliest thing ever. How my shoes were so tight and that I couldn’t wait to get home and just relax. All of a sudden I felt something different hit me and in my mind I started to pray. I didn’t understand it but I just did it I prayed. I remember the prayer, “God I don’t know why you are having me pray but i’m doing it. Protect my family, my sister and brother, my mom, dad, uncle and grandma, I also pray for myself protect me and cover me, in your name Amen.” ******DDDDINNNNNNGGGGGGG***** Class over.

I had this routine after school, I would go out the back door that lead to the bus pick up to meet with my friends who walk home with me. From there we stop at a gas station get a drink and then keep walking home. That day was different, something was off and I didn’t know it. Something inside me wanted to leave right away but I stayed because of my friends.

I was with my friend who always walked home with me, she and I said alright lets leave but as we walked away a guy jumped on her, pushed her to the floor and started to beat her. There were about 20 of us around there just watching everything unfold. At first we thought it was a prank then he lifted his foot and stomped on her. That’s when everything went silent and dead. Next thing you know everyone couldn’t move. No one could say anything but watch what was unfolding in front of us. Until a teacher saw and reacted quickly. Pushed him off and held him. All I saw was blood. Teachers started pushing kids back, people shoving trying to get out of there from being traumatized from what we saw.

There’s something you should know. That girl was standing right next to me…. Before he went up to her he was rushing to hit someone, what you don’t know was that he was pushing and heading towards me. Something stopped him and he asked who was the girl and another girl pointed her out.

Guilt has eaten me alive everyday.

I cried to God everyday because all I kept thinking was “Why didn’t I pray for my friends in that prayer before I left class?” I’ve been carrying Guilt for 10 years….. 10 years I should’ve just went straight home and not stayed after school. I should’ve dragged her with me. I had nightmares for years. No one knew but my family. Waking up screaming, crying and scared.

Hatred

I hated myself for a while there. I hated that I was okay and she wasn’t. I hated that everyone didn’t notice I was dying on the inside. I hated that my life changed that day and no one realized that I turned off my emotions. I hated that I was alive.

You know, I thought life would never be the same after that day. If i’m being honest it’s been 10 years since it happened and ummm til this day I still remember clear as day everything. I even remember the trial. Truth be told I’m 24 and I still have nightmares about it. But one thing has changed. My faith…..

Lot’s of details have been pulled back but what I want to tell you today is this…….

Life is full of unfairness, life is full of uncertainty but God has always remained the same.

It says in Psalms 42

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

⁸ By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God

Trauma

Fear

Sadness

Loneliness

Doubt

Regret

Hate

I cast you out in the name of Jesus!