Still Me

So how is life now, you may ask? How does a girl manage to go through a harsh past and still prepare for a future?

The answer, well I don’t have it. God does. Throughout some years I tried to learn to cope with my past and try to be strong for myself. Did that help me for my future? Absolutely not. You see, for the longest I tried to do it all on my own. The thought of anyone trying to help me made me remember my brokenness, it made me feel more vulnerable. I hated that feeling and still I couldn’t make it go away. In any moment when my life would start tearing at the wallpaper and showing off my past like the ugly, scratched up wall paint, I would instantly go into isolation. I didn’t want people to see the fragile Val. Even days before the blog story was posted I was going crazy. Everything was coming back to me. The feeling of brokenness creeped in, the flashbacks of my past came vividly, and the depression I once dealt with attempted to settle in me. Is this me telling you that I still don’t have it all together? It is. But it is also me telling you that I am human and that in all moments we still need Him to help us. God, that is. The moment you let Him deal with the pain and you surrender everything that you don’t have control over is the moment you have your future assured.

 In my weakness, He is strong. Those were the only words I could hold on to the moment I was sitting in the doctor’s office and was told I had Lupus. I had no idea what Lupus even was, but I was about to find out what it felt like soon. I didn’t know how to react to such news. I had gone to get my blood checked because my mom was having issues and one of them was lupus. I didn’t think I’d have it too. I walked to my car all calmly and the moment I closed that door I let the tears and the screams come out. Why did another thing have to be thrown at me? In my weakness, He is strong. I wiped the tears away and went to the bank. I walked right up to one of my best friends that worked there and didn’t say a word to him about it. I didn’t want the wallpaper coming off. I went home and instead of verbally telling my parents, I texted my mom. I closed my room door and got on my knees and let it all out there in His presence. Immediately I felt soothed and reassured that everything would be okay.

“Don’t beg me to heal you because I won’t. It’s not on your time. It’s in my perfect timing.” Those were the words that God spoke to me. I was like, what? I didn’t understand what that even meant in that moment. Months later I had lost weight but my doctor wasn’t too worried. He tried to be as encouraging as possible. “You look great!” I wasn’t feeling great though. My new blood tests confirmed that the lupus was attacking my internal organ tissue. DSE Camp was approaching and I was having a full-on lupus flare up. I attended camp with a kidney infection and everyone could notice that I felt horrible.

The girls in my room wouldn’t wake me up because they saw that I was sick and needed rest. Even the preacher asked me if I was okay. “I’m fine. Thank you.” That was my response to everything. In my weakness, He is strong. Saturday night at camp I learned the purpose of this process. I was sitting during ministration because I didn’t feel like I had the strength to pray for the youth. Suddenly I heard the Lord tell me to go pray for someone that was kneeling on the altar. I said, “no like don’t you see I’m sick, God.” Never say no when God wants to use you. I immediately felt a pain in my kidney that made me leap up to my feet. Again, God told me to go down there and pray for that person. The moment I tried to say no the pain came again and without me even realizing it, I was walking down the stairs to where the person was praying.

This soon became a routine. When God asked for me to do something and I used my sickness as my excuse, the pain would become unbearable. But once I did as asked, I would be pain free. Even now that I am lupus free if I say no, I start to feel my kidneys go into pain mode. I learned in my process to depend solely on God. I didn’t know that because of a sickness I was going to learn to hear the voice of God as clearly as hearing anyone sitting next to me. I didn’t know that through my sickness I was going to get to pray for healing over people even as I was in pain. I didn’t know that in my sickness I was going to obtain obedience, something that a stubborn “I can do it on my own” girl needed to learn.

My kidney infection turned into a mixed infection and even on antibiotics it wouldn’t go away. Infections were a constant thing. DE camp approached and my mom begged me not to go because of how sick I was. I was so done with this sickness though. I said to myself I can’t get any worse than I already am. When I got to camp, a feeling of loneliness settled over me. I went to my room and for the first time I got the courage to fight God with my words. I told him how tired I was of being sick and just hearing bad news all the time. I was so angry with Him and yet He simply remained silent. On the last day of the camp I broke down during a song and during that moment, someone came to pray for me. She put her hands right where it hurt the most, on my kidneys. I felt a shock go through my whole body. A soothing sensation. She prayed for power to endure and I sure would need it. In the time I left the camp to the moment I boarded the plane I immediately got sick. I had to call out of work for a whole week. My body had no way of defending itself against the flu. Two months later I needed to go for another blood test. This is where the miracle happened.

I remember going in to sit and wait for the doctor to come with the results. I was anxious, feeling so sure that it would say worse things than before. The words dialysis and transplant were running through my mind. Suddenly a practice student came in to speak to me. To this day I truly believe she was sent by God specifically for me. She asked me how I was feeling and I was honest with her about all my thoughts and feelings. I will never forget her response to everything I said. “In your weakness, He is strong. Let’s pray your results are negative this time but even if they are positive, we will still praise Him, right?” With the last bit of courage, I responded, “of course.” She left and I never saw her again. My doctor came in and looked at me and said, “well your results say negative so for now you’re okay.” Tears ran down my face as I stared at him in disbelief. He gave a big laugh and said, “I think a proper celebration would be to eat those tacos you haven’t been able to eat lately.” He didn’t have to tell me twice. I left the doctor’s office and called my parents to meet me at the Mexican store, Tres Caminos, to get some tacos. I told them the great news and we all cried tears of joy.

So, you see every process is necessary in some way, shape or form. Through it all God is right there. He sees your pain but He is waiting ever so patiently for you to surrender it to Him. He’s trying to constantly show us that nothing is impossible if we place it in His hands. In our weakness, He is strong. Doctors constantly tell me that my Lupus can come back if triggered. Am I scared? At times the thoughts rise within me but I’m learning every day how to leave it in the hands of the One who created me and to not lean on my own understanding.

The reality is that sicknesses happen, we live in a corruptible body that deteriorates daily. Our only hope is to look up to The Incorruptible one and place our trust in Him. He is able, and even if Lupus were to come back, I will still praise Him.