The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I can remember how hot it was that day. I still remember how clear the sky seemed just before going out to the field during my PE class. Well, after that everything changed. Just a few minutes after that I was sitting in a bench gasping for air. Everything started spinning, and all I could hear was the voice of my PE teacher, school principal, and classmates telling me, “breathe in, and out.” The next thing I realize is that I was breathing through a paper bag, and that’s when I noticed something must have happened. I had experienced my very first panic attack. You might be wondering what caused me to get to this point. Well, that’s where I am getting to. You see on the outside, I was a perfectly happy young girl in the 5th grade. But was I really?

I can’t ever say that I wasn’t loved. To tell you the truth, I was deeply loved by my family and friends. (STILL AM!) Well, at least I realized that later on. But on the inside, that was not what I felt. On the inside, I was always told that I was a failure, and that everyone was better off without me. Every single night, I was terrified in my sleep with nightmares that would paralyze me. No child should ever be afraid to go to sleep. Well, I certainly was. I would wake up crying, and it got to the point where I wasn’t afraid of just going to sleep. I was afraid of everything, including being alive.

When did all start? Well, there are many memories that for some reason I simply don’t recall. There is still a part of my childhood completely erased from my memory. My parents say it started at a very young age. But I just remember being in the 5th grade. I would hear and see things that would haunt and terrorize me. Did I just say I heard voices and see things? Yes, I DID. What did the voices tell me? They always said that I wasn’t good enough, and that I should be dead. In fact, the day out on the field, the voice got so loud. I remember the words, “Either you do it, or I’ll do it myself.” That’s when I started to panic.

I walked every day just trying to keep myself distracted and afloat. Every day seemed so dark, as if I was walking in this deep tunnel that would never end. On top that, I was living with a dysfunctional family. My parents had separated, my dad tried to commit suicide while he was in the military, my uncles were drug addicts, my mom was a mess, my grandma cried all the time. That was my life. I experienced first hand what it felt to be depressed, anxious, sometimes even had thoughts of just ending my life.

I remember sitting down with a psychologist, and she kept asking me to draw what I saw and to go into detail about how I felt. She was very nice, but it really didn’t help much. I was hopeless. Until the light showed up. My mom was invited to a prayer service. I was a bit hesitant, but I went anyways. I thought to myself, “at this point, any relief to what I feel would be good.” The lights at the church were turned off, and as I walked in I could feel how cold it was inside. But that’s when the first miracle happened, I was not AFRAID. For the first time in my life, I felt an overwhelming peace that I simply could not put into words.

My world was in pieces, but GOD. I wanted to die, but GOD. That night was the best night of my entire existence. Do I remember what was preached? No, I don’t. But I sure remember that I got up to that altar so quick. I didn’t understand what was going on, but I felt drawn to the LIGHT. God truly saved me that night! He let me know that He loves me with an everlasting love, and that I was NEVER ALONE. I saw the LIGHT at the end of the tunnel. I walked out in FREEDOM. I was no longer enslaved to my FEAR.

Christ paid the price for us to give us LIFE. There’s no amount of guilt, shame, fear, mistake that could ever separate us from that TRUTH. I have WITNESSED God’s LOVE, FORGIVENESS, and HEALING over my life. THIS IS REAL! After that day, the nightmares started to disappear, the voices never came back, and I never saw the dark figure again. My family began to be restored. However, I won’t tell you that every single family members serves the Lord, or that anxiety doesn’t try to creep in sometimes. These are things that have to be fought for every single day. But I will tell you that there is HOPE!

So this is for YOU…

The one crippled by fear, the one who feels completely alone in a room full of people, the one that feels so unloved, the one that feels like the biggest mess up in the world, the one who is struggling to get out of bed, the one who can’t sleep, the one whose voices in their head are louder than their reality, the one who wishes to die… YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE SEEN. I MADE IT OUT OF THE TUNNEL! YOU HAVE PURPOSE!

JESUS SAVES. IF HE DID IT FOR ME, HE WILL DO IT FOR YOU! DON’T FORGET THAT YOU HAVE BEEN LOVED WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE!

I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME SOONER.

“The LORD appeared to me from ages past, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you. Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt…” Jeremiah 31:3-4