Outsider

Have you ever found yourself trying to fit within a frame?

Yeah me too.

The person that I am today isn’t the same person I was a few years ago.

There was a time where I was very unhappy with myself. I didn’t love who I was, I was constantly asking myself why did I have to look this way and live this kind of life?

Let me explain.

It all began throughout my high school years. A new beginning with new faces, scary right? Yep. The worst part was I didn’t know what to except but then again who does? All I knew was these next 4 years were going to happen whether I liked it or not.

Being a christian girl in high school was not easy at all for me. For the simple fact that I was different from the rest of the group. Different in the way I dressed and the way I acted. Being different doesn’t always have to be a bad thing but for me at that time it was. I was always considered the “church girl”.

“Why do you always wear skirts”?

This was a question that i always found myself stumbling against. I couldn’t tell you how many times i was asked this but I can tell you my exact response each time “because of my religion.” Looking back now that wasn’t the best response but I was annoyed and ashamed of who i was at the time that I didn’t know how to respond.

I was so caught up trying to fit into a world that i didn’t belong to. The fear of rejection and wanting to “belong” really took a toll on me. I began to compare myself to all the other girls in my grade. I thought to myself Why couldn’t I be as pretty as them? Why cant I dress like them?

Why did I have to be me?

This is something i struggled within myself. I would even find myself praying and wishing to God if I could be someone else.

I lived a life knowing there was a God but i didn’t really know him. Take a moment to read that again. You see i didn’t have a real relationship and encounter with him until later in life. I was at a point where I would attend church frequently but my heart wasn’t really there. I was only there to please and satisfy my parents and others around me.

As time progress I notice myself slowly changing and adjusting myself just so I could fit in. I started hanging with the wrong crowd, not praying as I should and not seeking him as I should. I thought maybe I would finally find the happiness I was searching for. NOPE, in fact I was disappointed and felt worse than what I already did. You see I was so caught up changing who I was that I didn’t realize who I was hurting in the process (God and my family). Why did I want to fit in so bad that I hurt the ones I love the most? I couldn’t tell you exactly but maybe the fact of feeling alone.

See its so easy to embrace being the “church girl” when you’re surrounded by people that share the same value and beliefs as you but the moment i attended school is where i began facing difficulties. Rather than standing up and being an example I lowered myself to fit into a crowd that didn’t share the same core values.

It wasn’t till after I graduated that I had an encounter with God. God showed me that there is nothing too dirty that his love can’t cover. That no matter what I did, no matter how I felt about myself he still loved me and wanted me. I just had to fully surrender to him, so that’s what I did.

I truly believe if it wasn’t for Gods love and mercy and for the prayers of my parents/loved ones I wouldn’t have made it this far. God has worked in my life in a mighty way. He constantly reminds me that im loved and that I will always be enough. Just like you, YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Today,

I can say I am stronger than I ever was and I love who im becoming. I have learned that my worth isn’t determined by what people think of me or how they view me. So today I exhort you to rest in God’s love. Don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s okay to be different.

Can you imagine a world if we were all the same and looked the same? Yeah, that’d be pretty boring.

You are unique and that is your power don’t let anyone take that from you.