Hard Feeling

You know when you’re young you feel every emotion. When you’re sad, everything seems like its going in slow motion. Joy, you feel on top of the world. Anger, nothing goes right. Fear, makes you second guess everything. I want to tell you something YOU are allowed to feel like that. If something upsets you its okay to be upset. Anger, Joy, Fear, Shame, Love, Kindness you are in your right nature to feel like that.

As I sit here writing this, I think of all the love I have around me. All the people who one way or another have literally shown me that they truly love me. But at one point through this journey, I hated myself. Hated how I looked, who I was, how people viewed me and how people wanted to change me.

Why?

I’ve talked about the many different things I experienced. I shut down, I waved a flag and I even allowed myself to let go at times. I felt lots of anger build up. I was so shameful of the weight gain. Fearing I was a laughing stock everywhere I went. Being uncomfortable in my body, making myself seem bigger than what I was. Not allowing myself to see my worth.

If I write here and tell you that it did not affect me, I’d be lying. Every word someone said, every joke, every indirect comment it all hurt me in ways that no one imagined. Friends would ask me “What happened?”, “Are you sure you’re okay?”, “You should go get checked out”. “Go to the Gym”, “The gym will help out with that”. The truth of the matter is I am a stubborn and a hardheaded person. No matter how much someone tells me something I will definitely do the opposite. SO, yes some of it was my fault…. okay, most of it was my fault….

Acceptance

In this year, I have learned a lot about myself. I am a very strong person. A woman that is not afraid of standing up for herself and definitely not afraid of loving who I am, who I’ve Become and who I will be. I’ve accepted not only that I was sick, that I needed help but also that it’s okay to go through things. Because if I never went through this how could I help you or even someone else who doesn’t know how to deal with this.

So as we get ready to end the Sick Series, I just want to say a couple of things:

1. Although I lost myself for a moment, don’t ever think that you are too low to get back up. Don’t ever think that God is not with you because no matter what He is.
2. Faith is believing the things not seen. You might not see it but God is still working in you.
3. Love, Love yourself no matter what you are going through. Self love is the best kind of love anyone can give.
4. Be yourself. Don’t change or try to push down your feelings or emotions to protect others. The only person you are hurting is yourself. Tell others how you feel because in a blink of an eye everything can fade away and you will be left with unanswered questions.
5. Find yourself if you are going through a moment of weakness. The strongest we feel is at the moment we are most weak.
6. Laugh at yourself. Love your mistakes. Live like everyday is your last day on this Earth.