Facing the Music

It’s funny how songs can change your whole mood… An album can change your mind… A record can change your life. Me? I had many different songs, many records and many albums.

Obviously, going through Depression, Anxiety and Stress makes you want to block everything out. So I drowned myself in music.

Before I fully committed myself to Christ, I listened to secular music. Oh and did I love it… You know as a Worship leader, music attracts you the most because a single beat, a verse or a vocal arrangement can make you remember a specific memory or time in your life. Well, that became a struggle in my dark times. I like to call it that because it was a time in my life, it was a moment in which I didn’t think God would allow me into His kingdom. So, yes I did listen to the music that didn’t help because I wanted to drown myself in happy thoughts in order to try to feel something…

Feel

So what did I feel? Emptiness, loneliness, helpless, hopeless and faithless. To my family who is reading this… I am truly sorry that I allowed myself to feel lonely in the time where we were together the most. To my friends, I apologize for not accepting the help when you saw me hopeless. God, I’m sorry I allowed myself to lose faith in not only Your existence in my life, but also in the process that was molding me.

So what happened?

How did I pull myself out? Well, I told you that one song can change your mood. Mine? Click on that Music button on my page and you’ll find out. I may not have been able to speak up BUT no matter what God always spoke to me in anything that I heard. Literally, the first couple of songs had me balling like a baby and I was broken and was allowing myself to feel again.

From Me to You

My advice when you feel lonely, don’t go through it alone. Don’t allow yourself to to be at a standstill. I will admit hardly anyone knew what I went through. And you probably asking yourself, “Why would she tell me to speak up if she didn’t do it herself?” Well you’re right I never spoke up. I never said anything and kept all my emotions in and pushed them so far down that I forgot what it felt like to feel. But I can also say that it’s not healthy and the more you ignore how you’re feeling, the harder it will be to get yourself to a place where you can not only open yourself up to family but open yourself up to Love.

You know they always say You have to love yourself before you can love others. Well I can definitely tell you that’s true. Stick with me and you’ll know why….

But for now…